Most Becomings Are Stumbled Into

I thought I knew who I was. The type of life I wanted, who I thought I wanted to be.
Who else could know me, better than me?

I had it wrong.
So beautifully wrong.

At times, I’d look at women and think I could only dream of measuring up to them. Other times I’d say who I wanted to be, with no plan on how to actually get there. But God took me through a journey of becoming that took turns I didn’t even know existed.
Like a master craftsman, He wove my story, intertwined with lessons, joy, pain, and tears; both happy and of grief.
I grieved letting go of what I thought my life was supposed to look like.
But when I started to look toward Him, it didn’t happen when my mind was clear. There were clouds of fear, wounds of disappointment, and a fragility that only weariness can produce.
It happened in a place where I didn’t know where else to look.
And through the tears He fixed my gaze on Him, grabbed me by the hands, and gently said trust me.  He led me into something I can only try to describe.

A sobering realization that I had adopted rules for my life that God never had for me.

I judged myself for errors and I created narratives rooted in shame. But that woman didn’t know those broken pieces would someday fit together to create something beautiful.
A mural that keeps getting added to.
If you had asked me in those moments whether any of it had meaning, I would have confidently answered, I don’t know. But each time I get a few steps further, far enough to look back upon what I have endured, I realize that I’ve conquered.
I made it. And it all meant something.

Maybe the Promised Land is not always a place we arrive at all at once.

Maybe sometimes, it is the holy ground beneath our feet when we finally realize God was with us the whole time.

We seek purpose, not knowing we are given purpose each day we are gifted with the ability to open our eyes. Alignment is what we need. Sometimes detours and mistakes we make on our own path reroute us back into alignment with the path God has for us.

And usually,
most becomings are stumbled into.